Life Isn’t Linear

By Anonymous

Photograph: Raphael Wild

This brief summary of my 29 years being born and raised in Leicester as a mixed Muslim woman intends to enlighten readers that you can still create a wonderful life for yourself despite unexpected setbacks. 

When I was younger, I was convinced life would be linear. One straight line, no complications, no major setbacks. I had it all planned. I would finish school, attend college then go to university and graduate. I’d then work as a teacher or a journalist for a big fancy writing firm. Next up a bit of travel, some partying. Then settle down at the age of 25 – get married and never get divorced. I’d have kids and then we would all ride off into the sunset. I know, how naïve. I can confirm it most definitely did not work out that way.

Let’s skip the ups and downs of my childhood and get straight to the late part of my adolescence where it didn’t take long for reality to rear its ugly head. Coming from a somewhat complicated semi traditional background, I got married at the tender age of 17 to a college boyfriend. Being a South Asian/African Muslim meant I was convinced I had to abide by certain traditional values (despite the fact my own parents were divorced) In hindsight if I would have stuck my middle finger up to these expectations it would have saved me a huge chunk of pain, but we learn from our mistakes only by making them, right?

Succumbing to pressure from the older generation led to bitterness and resentment within my marriage. Neither myself nor my then husband were ready for the responsibility; I was not mature enough to handle running a household and being a wife. I was always amazed by how many people praised me for getting married – without understanding the depth of the decision I had made. I was still in college at this time and didn’t have a stable income. But I had made my decision in the name of love and tradition, so I persevered. I stayed married despite the arguments, the fights, the bitterness, and resentment. Many, many things happened over the following years which I’ll spare you the details of but fast forward to my fifth year of marriage – I managed to graduate from university but lo and behold I fell pregnant. At this point I was doing voluntary work at a SEN school and was ready to start a career. Evidently my plans had to change. I had my daughter and felt a love I’d never felt before. 

I committed myself to being a stay-at-home mother, ended up falling pregnant again with my second daughter but felt trapped. I had been a stay-at-home mother for almost four years. I felt like I was going insane – throughout all this my marriage had been on the rocks. After many more arguments my then husband helped me get a job with a pensions firm. I enjoy working but I realise that I hadn’t taken the path I wanted in life. My job was not linked to my degree, my marriage was rough, my kids weren’t seeing me enough.

So, Christmas day arrives, I'm peeling potatoes at my mum’s house, balling my eyes out and I decide this is it, I’m taking back the reins and regaining control of my life. I was unhappy – I was grateful for many things, but I was unhappy.

Photograph: Francesco Gallarotti

I evaluated what made me feel the way I felt. The first issue was my marriage, by this point I had been married for almost ten years and every year felt more and more bitter. I decided I would walk away from the toxic relationship. No matter how painful it would be, I had to take control. I filed for divorce. Finally, I had made a decision for my own life that worked. 

Next, I evaluated my work life balance. I wasn’t getting enough time with my children, so I decided to cut down my hours at work and form a healthier balance for me and my children especially now that I was a single parent. Then the pandemic came, and I decided to make a bold move and start my master’s full time. Being allowed to do the majority of this from home meant I got to pursue a part of my dream and still give my daughters the love and attention they needed.

Now a year later I have completed my masters, I am on the path to a career in something I adore. I have a great work/life balance with my daughters and although I am a divorced, single mother I am happy because I finally buried the burden of traditional pressures and took control. Let me tell you it was the best decision I have ever made. My life is not linear, it has been a series of tumultuous loops and that’s ok – because the best stories aren’t straightforward.    

About Author: Anonymous.